Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Good: UMNO is reforming, bad: they change to the same people, ugly: it’s Najib for president!

November 3, 2008

Good: You’re pregnant. Bad: It’s triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He’s a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You’re in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He’s a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give “the birds and the bees” talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

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TodayMalaysia: Do leave comment everyone

July 17, 2008

One day in the future, Anwar Ibrahim has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got some folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.” Anwar thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Lee Kuan Yew and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. “No, Anwar said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Saddam Hussein with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. “No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Anwar.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Anwar saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Anwar took this in disbelief and finally said, “Yea, I can handle this.” The devil smiled and said “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”

ps- let us hear you. send to us your views.

Doctors’ choice: Anwar is the best patient

July 6, 2008

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the
operating table.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best, everything
inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in, “You know, I like construction workers, those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, “You’re all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, and no
spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable.”

ps- don’t easily get fooled by our politicians. todayMalaysia strongly don’t recommend malaysians to join in protesting today. don’t say we didn’t say so.

How Saiful met Anwar?

June 30, 2008

Saiful, who’s gay, decides to go out for a good time and ends up at a gay bar. There he meets an attractive middle-age man named Anwar who he talks to all evening. When the night comes to an end Anwar invites him over to his place.
They get in Anwar’s car, a pink stretch Proton Perdana V6, and proceed to leave the parking lot. Yet Saiful is quite concerned when Anwar repeatedly smashes into parked cars as they are leaving the lot. Once they reach Anwar’s place, again Anwar looks around and proceeds to smash into parked cars as he’s parking his.

As they got out of the car Anwar asked, “So Saiful, do you like my feminine side?”

The jewels of our nation, laughter is simply the best medicine

June 28, 2008

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a class on ‘Observation’. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid.

“This”, he explained,”is urine. To be a good doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight and taste.” After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth.

His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth.”

ps- Universiti Malaysia Sabah (UMS) medical faculty will be able to increase its students’ intake by more than 100 percent in the year 2011. Presently, the faculty can accept some 70 students per intake each year, but they will be able to raise this total to 150 students per intake once UMS’ RM259 million medical faculty development project is complete in three years’ time.

Why Anti-Corruption Agency (ACA) can’t catch Anwar this time?

June 25, 2008

Anwar Ibrahim answers the phone, “Hello, is this Mr. Anwar Ibrahim?”

“It is.”

“This is the ACA. Can you help us?”

“I can”

“Do you know a Khalid Ibrahim?”

“I do”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is”

“Did he donate RM10,000 to the party?”

“He will.”

ps- Selangor Menteri Besar Tan Sri Abdul Khalid Ibrahim Monday conceded that there were donations received from private companies for the 100th day celebration of the `Pakatan Rakyat’ administration in Selangor being deposited into the Parti Keadilan Rakyat (PKR) account. (BERNAMA)

A 90-year-old man tells about Pak Lah

June 21, 2008

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought Pak Lah was doing as Prime Minister.

The old man said, “Ya know, Pak Lah is a post turtle.” Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a “post turtle” was.

He said, “Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down..

That’s a post turtle.”

To differentiate between LOVE, LUST and MARRIAGE

June 15, 2008

LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won’t meet around your waist, and you don’t care

LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what’s intercourse?

LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money

LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything

LOVE when it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don’t climax
MARRIAGE what’s a climax?

LOVE when you phone each other just to say “Hi”
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son’s game starts

LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check’s

LOVE when you show concern for your partners’ feelings
LUST when you couldn’t give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what’s on TV

LOVE when your farewell is “I love you darling”
LUST when your farewell is “So, same time next week?”
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent

LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake

LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them

LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows

LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it’s just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music

LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought

LOVE when you’re interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you’re only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you’re not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you’re interested in is your ‘golf score’

Joke: Wanted then, wanted now.. Guilty forever.

June 10, 2008

No joke: Anwar Ibrahim was prisoned as he was found guilty for corruption and and sodomy.

Once upon a time,

Two assassins are hired to kill an ex-con/politician in Malaysia. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.

So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go.

Noon comes, no ex-con/politician… 10 minutes longer… no ex-con/politician.

One assassin turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”

How to say “I love you” in many languages?

June 7, 2008

How to say “I love you” in many languages:

English………..I Love You
Spanish………. Te Amo
French……….. Je T’aime
German………. Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese……. Ai Shite Imasu
Italian………. Ti Amo
Chinese……… Wo Ai Ni
Swedish…….. Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo………. Nagligivaget
Malay………..Saya Cinta Kamu
Greek………… S’Agapo
Hawaiian……. Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish…………. Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew……… Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian…….. Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian……. Une Te Dua
Finnish……… Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish…….. Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian…… Se Ret Lay
Persian……. Du Stet Daram
Maltese……. Jien Inhobbok
Catalan…… Testimo Molt
American…. Nice Tits